i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
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dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
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I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.