she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
