i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Randomize
