Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
