God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sponge bath it is.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
