Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Terrible idea I love it
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
