I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
