I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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