wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
