john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
