Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
