I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
