4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
