i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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