Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
