If that was your dad, he is hot
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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