did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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