meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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