My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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