I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
