I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
