I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
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I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
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You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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