you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
