I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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