which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
