i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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