The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
