I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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