ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
