He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
