You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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