dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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