You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
