actually, I'm a sock model
The maid of honor just puked.
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
