if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Randomize
