When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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