yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
