Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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