sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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