does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
