oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she pinky promised me she was 18
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
