I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
