There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
