I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
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So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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