My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
worst night to have a conscience
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
