Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
