Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
is that a dick in a sweater?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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