if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
