My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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