Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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