btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
