its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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