there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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