Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
