im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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