I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
