respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
