Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
