i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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