I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
