i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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