i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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