a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
