Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
